Not why the addiction. Why the pain?
The opposite of addiction is connection
There are lot of confusing definitions, stigmas, and ideas about addiction out there and just about as many approaches to treatment as there are theories. However, a Venn diagram center at the heart of all understanding and approaches exists. Let me explain. Addiction is manifested in any behavior that a person craves, finds temporary relief or pleasure in but suffers negative consequences as a result of, and yet has difficulty giving it up.
Typically, when people hear “addiction,” they think of drugs. However, addiction is better understood as a person’s rigid and compulsive relationship to a certain escapist-style of managing emotion. This can be as overt as a chemical addiction, like alcohol. It can also be a behavioral addiction like shopping, sex, love, food, porn, video games, or even exercise in excess. Yet still, more subtle forms exist, like an addiction to work, success, money, technology or even to your mind. Yes, it is possible to obsessively live in thought and experience consequences in your emotional life and relationships as a result.
One thing is always certain, addiction starts in pain and ends in pain.
Over time, the brain’s reward circuity is hijacked and little of the self that elected the faulty coping behavior in the beginning is leftover to resolve the problem at the end. Lies, secrecy, and shame continue to fuel the best-friend like romance between the addicted and their chosen drug or behavior. The denial that accompanies any addiction is so thick and delusional. They are in their own cult and unresponsive to the truth. Everyone can see what is happening, except for that person, the brain is hijacked to keep the truth away so the addiction can continue. It can be so frustrating to the people around them who just love them and want to best. Its heartbreaking. Here lies the basis for surrender to a program, a sponsor, or a therapist at the beginning of treatment. When addicted, your brain isn’t your own anymore, so you will need to rely on someone else’s to get recovery started.
What is central to understanding addiction is that the real problem is the person’s relationship to the given chemical or behavior, not the object or behavior itself. The addict faces an immense challenge in tolerating difficult feelings. In our experience, those struggling with addiction are constitutionally very sensitive people to begin with. When overwhelmed, normal coping is easily overridden and to survive those emotions they literally reach outside of themselves (the addiction) to regulate emotions or difficult feeling states. The pain they carry almost always has to do with pain born in failed relationships or trauma. Sometimes these roots are in childhood. Other times, from a series of knock-down events in life that were emotionally shattering and the pain was unaddressed in a healthy, therapeutic manner.
The addicted person has learned to depend not on others but on a substance or behavior, it is always there for them, not matter what. In order to recover, the scariest hurdle is to risk learning that they can depend on others. Coming back into relationship is a large part of the process of recovering from addiction.
The trauma does not have to be objectively severe. It is more about the subjective experience of the person and the precise moment when the traumatic experience made them fundamentally disconnect from themselves. Sometime this is happens in a moment, some trauma occurs over years (e.g. an abusive relationship, parent, military service, etc.) In our experience, all trauma is, in essence, relational trauma. Those struggling are isolated from their own experience, from others, and the addiction is the adaptation to this pain. Learning to move into the pain, to hold it, rather than escape from it is one of the keys to recovery. You learn how to do this only in the context of a therapeutic relationship. Before starting psychotherapy themes of denial, rationalization, justification, scapegoating, anger, blame, and isolation are thematic in ones life. These patterns typically take a large toll on the addicted person and their loves ones.
As a result, a large part of healing an addiction has to do with coming back into connection with others. First, with a therapist or 12-step community. Later, and through that process, back into relationship with their own selves (learning to be at home in one’s own mind and feelings again). This is done both in psychotherapy and by attending a recovery-oriented program like AA or a non-religious program like SMART recovery. Both work together to heal the whole person. The role of psychotherapy is to attend to the wounds on a deeper level, work through trauma, and develop the skills to manage emotions all in the context of a real and healthy therapeutic relationship. Addiction recovery programs co-sign these changes. They simultaneously offer a basic framework and community for the self-revelation and honesty necessary to restore one to sanity and a meaningful life.
People who obtain long term sobriety often identify as “in recovery.” It’s an interesting choice of words. Recovery means to find something that was lost – I believe this is the true self. The self which was once whole now hidden. We have helped many on this journey and have success in helping people overcome addictions and find themselves once more. Each recovery is as unique as the person and we approach it as such. Sometimes this starts with simply helping people to find their own willingness and confront patterns. Others come in as an after-care plan. These are people who are craving the deeper work that psychotherapy has to offer after making meaningful progress in an early sobriety or detox program.
I look forward to hearing from you, shame-free, and answering any questions you might have. This absolutely includes the friends and family of those suffering from addiction! Psychotherapy and ALANON are great resources for you. You or your loved one really can get well and stay well. We are here to help.
Carl Jung once wrote a letter to Bill Wilson (founder of AA) about a mutual patient. In the letter he concludes: “You see, alcohol is Latin for “spiritus” and you use the same word for the highest spiritual experience as well as for the most depraving poison. The helpful formula therefore is: spiritus contra spiritum.”
The opposite of addiction is connection. We want to connect with you and help you to begin connecting to yourself and others in a new way. There is healing for this condition and it starts with a call or text.
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