"It's Like A Dark Cloud That Wont Go Away"
Understanding Depression
People struggling with depression are insanely beautiful human beings. Underneath the depressive surface they are typically sensitive, hopeful, empathic, and have utopian ideals for themselves and the world. They are sensitive to suffering, pain, impermanence, and loss. They can be in touch with reality in a way that others aren’t. They are acutely aware of the difference between the desired world and the world we currently inhabit.
It is important not to mistake sorrow for depression, they are not the same. In ordinary grief, the external world is experienced as diminished in some important way (e.g. it has lost a valuable person), whereas in depression, what feels lost or damaged is a part of the self. Grief comes in waves, depression is relentless. Interestingly, those who tend to mourn or grieve well do not tend to get depressed. In our experience, grief or sadness is far different than depression and a sign of a health person. In fact, it can often be a precondition or optimality towards healing and growth. The old model for doing life often isn’t working anymore and people experience grief associated with that. Moving into these feelings, allowing, exploring, and working through them are the path to transforming sadness into enlightenment.
Sometimes the line between renewal and self-destruction is thin.
Don’t get caught up in the neurobiological explanation for depression, it’s not all genes. Low serotonin levels, dopamine deficiencies, etc. but these are often the chicken and not the egg. These levels respond to our psychosocial lives, not cause them. Focusing on regulating these levels without addressing the underlying psychological dynamics often proves a futile approach. Therapy and medications can work well in tandem, but no expert ever recommends medication alone. In some cases, working depression back to front with the use of medication can be a helpful tool. For some, it temporarily props them up enough to begin the work on the psychological side so it can be a useful too for more severe cases. In summary, you have to address the underlying psychosocial, emotional causes for real relief. We know how to do this.
Depression as a Psychological Defense
Depression is an unconscious defense with a big cost. To depress literally means to “push something down.” When you have experienced big, life changing, painful or overwhelming events, particularly when young, and spend much of your life avoiding processing these experiences a depressed state is often the outcome. Research shows that those who experience a major loss at a young age are exponentially more likely to suffer from depression as an adult.
Those who are depressed typically struggle with anger in that they turn it towards themselves (Freud called it “anger turned inward”) and they tend to view themselves or the world as depleted or deficient in some major way. Depressed adults often weren’t given age appropriate explanations for the major events during their childhoods, they tend to grow up in repressed or emotionally unavailable family cultures (particularly where mourning is discouraged) that are also highly critical. They are the adults who as children played the emotional middle man in the family or grew up with a parent that modeled depressive responses and therefore came to believe that their needs drain and exhaust others.
In some sense, depression is a defense. As a child, it was likely your emotions were not appropriately attended to maybe because there wasn’t a place for them. Depressed adults often report that they could sense no one would be able to hear it or that they were afraid their issues were going to be too much because they didn’t want to overwhelm the people they love and depended upon. Like any fear, the longer you avoid the more dangerous it appears. Over time, every future or anticipated form of pain or loss seems insurmountable. Depression is premature resignation to the call of living fully in the world. It is a self that needs to be reclaimed, validated, understood, and experienced with another person.
Some common childhood themes of depressed adults are:
- major losses
- parental neglect
- emotional neglect
- marked instability
- bullying
- parentification
- parents with substance abuse issues
- temperamental sensitivity
- divorce
- estrangement or loss of an attachment figure
- a depressed or very ill parent or sibling
- frequent moves
As a defense, depression helps you quit before it starts. It says, “I will stifle my hope and protect myself from experiencing life fully, in the moment as I once did, so that I never have to experience that kind of loss/grief/terror/vulerability/etc. ever again. I will not let my hope be my poison once more.” One of my patients once said, “Im just afraid to get hopelash again.” When this goes on too long what was once a problem becomes a personality and a personality into a life. You don’t have to stay there, we want to help you emerge from under it and risk living again.
Symptoms of Depression
Depression is one of the most challenging, yet one of the most common psychiatric disorders. Different from popular belief, it is not prolonged sadness. Sadness is a normal and expected part of being alive and human, depression is not. Depression, in fact, is not an emotion, it is a state of mind in which emotions are being suppressed. To “depress” something literally means to push something down.
Underneath the surface of “depression” there is often internalized anger, helplessness, regret, disappointment, self-criticism, unworthiness, meaninglessness, fear, or fatigue from prolonged anxiety. We have also noticed that depression occurs when people are disconnected or not meaningfully connected to others. When depression is more relational, interpersonal patterns and habits need to be worked on. It also helps to understand and attend to one’s early relational templates. Depression is not a discrete disorder in and of itself, it is not simply a biological event, but a signal on the dashboard of your life. It’s time to talk to someone.
In terms of the signs on the dashboard here’s what to look for. Although unique to each person, there are some common experiences to depression. One of the most prominent symptoms is called “Anhedonia” or the inability to experience pleasure. Things you once enjoyed just seem dull and bland, your motivation is zapped, and you find yourself wanting to isolate or be alone. Those who seek help for depression often report feeling “like a black cloud is always hovering over me” and are burdened by excessive guilt.
Changes in appetite and sleep are often common too. In fact, difficulty falling asleep and/or waking up early in the morning without being able to fall back asleep are common early symptoms of a depressive episode. Excessive fatigue, irritability, feelings of emptiness, and difficulty concentrating are other common complaints. Those suffering from depression often notice that it has become a habit of mind to ruminate on the past and find it incredibly difficult to remain present.
Good news is, it is easily treatable! This is a process that works. We have helped many face their depression and the issues underpinning the symptoms. Many report a sense of regaining their old vitality (or finding it for the first time). Don’t wait until it takes over your life, the earlier you seek help, the better off you will be and the more likely you will be able to avoid depressive episodes in the future. The research is consistent on this. Reach out to a depression psychologist today via the “our team” link above.
Signs of Depression
- Down or depressed mood lasting a month or more
- Loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed
- Isolation and social withdrawal
- Fatigue and sleep problems. Typically waking up early and not being able to get back to sleep is a hallmark.
- Irritability
- Signs of anxiety also present. Some people get anxious after fighting depression for a long time, also vice versa.
- Changes in appetite and weight
- Emotional turbulence, outbursts, mood swings
- Excessive guilt and preoccupation with the past, either positive or negative
- Difficulties with concentration and attention
- Physical pain or other health disorders (pain, headaches, GI issues)
- Low sex drive
- Restlessness or on the other side, a slowing of thinking and physical activity
- Feelings of worthlessness, helplessness or a consistent pessimistic outlook
